Anxious Remembrance

My home from 2005 to 2009.  This is during my graduation parade.

For those of you that are new readers, or if have not seen my post from November 2013 about Veterans Day), I became a war widow in 2011 when my husband, Dimitri, was killed when we were both deployed to Afghanistan.  While I am truly happy again and looking forward to a wonderful future, I often have days where memories of Dimitri just flood my brain and overwhelm me.  
Today I am heading up to West Point (where we went to college and also where Dimitri is buried) to participate in the West Point cemetery tour that the rising juniors go on.  For a little context, you are free to leave West Point at any time up until you start your junior year.  Once you start junior year, you are obligated to serve on Active Duty in the Army for 5 years after you graduate (repayment for an amazing, free education).  The cemetery tour is to make these rising juniors aware of what they are about to commit to, and it is also a way for them to understand the stories of certain members of "the long gray line" (West Point graduates that came before them).  I will be giving a brief 7-9 minutes speech at Dimitri's grave as each of the cadet companies filter through.  
I'm anxious about doing this, and really hope I can hold myself together.  I've only been up to West Point one time since the funeral, and it was a very short visit and I had a lot of family support with me.  This time, I will have 3 days to walk around campus, go on runs, and just feel what I am assuming will be a flood of emotion (both happy and sad).  My 4 years at West Point truly made me who I am today.  It was a difficult, overwhelming and exhausting experience, but I had an amazing time despite often feeling like I was drowning from everything that was thrown at me.
I truly hope that this visit and experience will be the last bit of healing that I need before I feel completely ready to move on in my new relationship.  This wound, and my memories of our wonderful relationship will always be with me, but I'm hoping that this visit heals the scab so that it finally just turns into a scar that doesn't hurt quite so badly.  Please think of me over the next few days as I go through this journey.  I need all the prayers and good vibes that I can get. 
For those of you that find it hard to believe that I'm in the Army and a West Point graduate, here are a few pics from my time there (don't mind the chubby cheeks!).  Enjoy!

Secret rope swing at Camp Buckner with some of my friends.  Dimitri is back right, and Daren (buried next to Dimitri at the cemetery) is right behind me, 2006.

500th Night, with my awesome roommate Geneva, 2008.

Yep, that's me getting tackled with the ball in the middle of the pic.  I played rugby while I was there.  Crazy huh?

Christmas dinner with Dimitri, 2007.

One of the many snowy days.

Uniform I wore to class everyday...can you see why I LOVE color?  This was misery!  That's my pretty Momma, btw.

Ring Weekend, 2008.  Please ignore the awesome acne...

Branch Night with Dimitri, 2008.

After the Graduation Parade with Dimitri, 2009.